hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
