I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
