CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
