We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
