It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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