I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
