The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
