He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
