all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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