i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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