Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
We smell like vodka and hangover
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