I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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