I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
