areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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