wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
