well you can't waste a boner
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
