Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it hurts more in the daytime
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
