okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
