don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
