I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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