the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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