Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
