and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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