the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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