apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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