He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
