mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
