Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
