Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
