I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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