In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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