i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
