When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
