I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
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I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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