im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
