Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
