i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
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The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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