Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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