Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
