Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
