dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
