I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
