I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
