Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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