well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
