Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
