you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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