Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize