There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
