I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
