Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
