I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
